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Shared Parenting during ‘Lockdown’
To provide further clarity around how parties should be approaching shared care arrangements and any changeover during the lockdown period for Covid-19.
This information is from the FDR Centre’s social media pages:
The Principal Family Court Judge, Jacquelyn Moran, has issued a statement offering guidance to parents or caregivers who share custody.
The key points she made were:
- the overriding consideration is for parents to make decisions that are in the best interest of their children; and
- where there is a shared care arrangement and the families are in different towns or communities, the safety of the children and others in their family units should not be compromised by movement between those homes, particularly if there are more than two homes involved.
Generally, children in the same communities can continue to go between their homes, unless:
- the child is unwell. In this case the child should not travel between homes until they are well;
- someone in either home is unwell; or
- someone involved (ie the child or people in the home they have been in or will go to) has been:
- overseas in the last 14 days;
- in close contact with someone who is currently being tested for COVID-19; or
- in close contact with someone who has the virus or is being tested.
Parents and caregivers should discuss if shared custody arrangements would allow COVID-19 to potentially spread without them being aware and reach an agreement. This may mean the child may stay with one parent/caregiver for the initial 4 week period.
If children are moving:
- children should be accompanied by an adult when moving between homes;
- private vehicles should be used, where possible - public transport can be used where there are no alternatives; and
- where children cannot move between homes, the Court would expect indirect contact - such as by phone or social media messaging - to be generous.
Parents must put aside their conflict at this time and make decisions that are in the best interests of the children and their families, as well as the wider community. This global pandemic should not be seen as an opportunity for parents to unilaterally change established care arrangements without cause or otherwise behave in a manner inconsistent with the child’s best interests or the court ordered care arrangements.
NEWS
Afraid to ask for help with business or family relationships? Get over yourself!
30 plus years working as a Chartered Accountant, then with families and businesses for the past 15 years as a mediator and working as a family business advisor, I’ve seen the same 3 issues arising time and time again. Deal with these 3 and you’ll find a lot of your conflicts disappear:
1. Don’t be too proud to ask for help.
In New Zealand we aren’t great at talking things out. I’ve noticed a real stigma around asking for help managing conversations. For some reason, people who are happy to pay a professional to help with home renovation won’t do the same when their personal or business relationships need improvements. To these people, be courageous and seek help.
Solution: By having that expert person in the room to keep the conversation focused, each person can be themselves without having to manage the conversation as well.
2. Deal with the issues arising in your relationships early.
If things aren’t going as smoothly as they once were in your business or family relationships, please acknowledge it. For example, people may not be as cooperative as they once were. Make sure that you take stock early, not later when conversations are more difficult or uncooperative behaviour has become an issue.
Solution: Nip things in the bud before tensions or frustrations boil over and become full blown conflicts.
3.Keep the faith and stay hopeful.
Even if an argument has erupted into anger or a person has crossed the line and done something out of frustration, things are not irretrievable. Remember that there is always hope that a relationship can be reconciled enough for progress to continue for the business or family.
As an accredited mediator, registered family dispute resolution provider and trained family business advisor, I work with families, family businesses, executives, management teams and communities, to have powerful and constructive conversations. In this way I help people to resolve their conflict to keep friends and family who are in business stay in business – and stay together.
To make it easier for people to connect with me and understand the services that I provide, I’ve launched a new website so feel free to share it with your network: https://rosemariebrown.nz/
My motto for clients is that “I will help them enjoy the freedom of being able to deal with issues constructively so they can move forward in a positive way.”
DIY Dispute Resolution
1. Listen.
We all have 2 ears and 1 mouth. Spend much more time listening than speaking. What are they saying? If someone is repeating themselves, often it is because they are not sure you have heard them. So be active in your listening. Tell them what you heard them say (obviously rephrase it if they were aggressive or offensive into something not at all offensive or aggressive). Ask if you’ve missed anything? What aren’t they saying? Is there something they have inferred or implied? Or you are not sure quite what they are trying to say, ask questions to clarify. Demonstrate you are making an effort to understand.
2. Think First. Prepare.
What should this conversation actually be about. Remember if you actually want to resolve something it is not constructive to make the problem the person (even if you feel it is!) It is important to be easy on the person and hard on whatever it is you are unable to reach agreement on. Look at it from every angle. What have you done you are not proud of, or caused an issue for the other person? Write all of this down and prepare some questions before you meet with them. The writing things down is the most important part – as it will help you remember when you are actually trying to speak with the other person. If you just think it and mull it over in your mind – it will not come out right when you are in front of the other person. Be prepared.
3. Be Positive!
What are some positive qualities of the person you are conversing with? This is really difficult in an emotionally charged situation. So be kind to yourself. Start with one positive thing about that person. Then move onto the second. Once you have 3-5 things – write them down. Whenever you feel the other person pushing your buttons or trying to ‘rile’ you, just take a breath and remember at least 3 of those things. That will help you keep focused on the positive. Then remember what you wrote down in #2, what should the conversation be about? Be positive.
4. Timing.
Is now the right time? When is the right time? If you or the other person are not in a positive space to listen to reasonable and rational thoughts and comments about the situation – ask to defer the conversation to an agreed time. Follow up and ensure this happens. Even if during a conversation it becomes apparent one of you isn’t in the right positive space anymore, stop there and reschedule. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
5. Show Respect.
Ensure you convey care or respect to the other person and be ready to forgive whenever an admission of fault is made. In fact – be the first to admit to a mistake yourself!! Always be prepared to admit your faults – remember back in tip #2? Demonstrate how important the other person is, or resolving the issue is, by being respectful at all times.
There is a caveat to using these top tips. Do not try to resolve an issue yourself if you feel or someone close to you believes you are in danger of harm or abuse (or authoritative influence as they are more senior than you at work) from the other person, or, you might not be able to control yourself and you might be abusive or cause harm. Should this be applicable to you, you will need assistance to have any form of conversation to get a resolution. If you need assistance contact a mediator and ask about your options. If you are in immediate danger then you need to call 111.
Thank you Rosemarie for your patience and understanding during this difficult time.
2010
It is only due to your strength, professionalism and dedication, that this matter resolved out of court. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the brilliant work you do.
2011
Thank you very much for your extraordinary effort to make the mediated agreement happen.
2016
Thank you for the huge effort you put into this… It was a real win for my children…have a huge impact on the rest of their lives. Once again, thank you, you did a great job.
2014
Thank you for steering me through the mediation process. I quickly felt safe in your presence and trusted you. I was humbled by your empathy and wisdom. I feel we will be better at communicating…Thank you for helping us get to an outcome.
2015
Rosemarie was great and did an excellent job with mediating our session. Would strongly recommend her and would also use her again in the future should the need for mediation arise again.
2018
Thank you so much for all you have done for our family. We were in a dark place that our family is not used to. Your kindness, caring and skilful mediation has made a profound impact on our family. We are now back to the loving fun family we are used to. Rosemarie I will be forever grateful for who you have been for our family. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
2018